tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central October 29, 2015 2:35am-3:06am PDT
>> chris: it's 11 scr 559 and 59 second, this happened today, it looks like halt o wean will be treaks scary bus nasa is saying a massive asteroid barely missed hitting earth. the football stadium sized rock is traveling at usually high speeds and guess get, this we only spotted it two weeks ago. hey, science, maybe nop wasting your time proving that the millennium falcon isn't-- and give us a heads up before it hurdles toward earth. aerosmith is already writing a [bleep] song for. this now they-- they say it's going to miss us. but who knows. so comedians, how are you going to luf it up on what could be our final halloween. brian proseen, go. >> well, since i'm a dad, chris, i will trick or treat with my family like every halloween and
then put on my michael meyers mask and choke prostitutes. >> chris: all right. >> yeah. >> like every halloween >> chris: okay, perfect. steve agee, go. >> i'm going to finally [bleep] that dog i've had my eye on, chris, sad jeff, i know where you live. >> chris: that's quite a callback to a much earlier episode were you on. ron funches, go. >> i'm going to take a private jet to hulk hogan's house and look him dead in the eye and tell him if you are going to trick the man, you got to treat the man! >> chris: it's time to start@midnight for humanity. welcome to@midnight. i'm master chief, now you are never supposed to see master chief's face but i guess i can tell you that it's actually me, chris hardwick.
yeah. i know. what do you know. that's right, internet, low rent ryan seacrest just [bleep] up your favorite game. deal with it. i'm canon now. i'm canon! we're all dressed up tonight because tonight is halo-ween on the show. thank you so much to our friends at halofive guardians which comes out tuesday october 27th exclusively on xbox one for making all this possible. tonight's comedians are, forming (applause) >> chris: were you just tweaking your own nipple. >> oh, yeah >> chris: that's supersexy yeti. >> that is really fantastic. the only creature that when you stick your dick in it gets colder. all right, good. performing at an even with teef agee and friends in l.a.
november 109, it's steve agee aka frankenstein's monster. >> thanks, chris, thank you. i'm actually miami vice frankenstein >> chris: all right, from undatable fri's live on nbc ron funches, aka rick flair! >> whooo! >> chris: i assume you aren't dressed up as halocharacter, that would be sweet. but i don't think there say sexy yeti in halo. >> not yeti >> chris: you son of a bitch. no, no, no. no, it's not happening. oh, you're upsetting frankenstein's monster and rick flair. >> not yeti. >> chris: knock it off snow big foot. now it's time to pull the cheap latex mask from the face of the political process and take a big whiff of that pungent sweaty plastic smell, it's panderdome.
canadian tea party wearweighsel ted kreuz who looks like if grand pa munster sold hot tubs, has done about everything he can to get people to like him about there is one guy who is just not buying it. former president and manchichi with a learning disability, george w bush without flat out said about cruz, quote, i just don't like the guy during a recent fundraiser. wow, harsh, bro, dush even liked dick cheney, come on. so comedians what would ted cruz do to win over george dubbya our former hey seed in chief. >> he will do a 9/11 >> chris: what? >> frankenstein is politically active. >> chris: points for steve agee. this week virginia senator jim webb who you might know as the guy without killed the guy, to be fair he killed the guy
without took lieutenant's dan's legs. he dropped out of the democratic presidential race before we even got a chance to know him. so here are a few quick facts about jim webb much is he a war hero, distingished navy cross and two purple hearts earner. secretary of the navy under reagan and a successful novelist. seems like an ideal presidential candidate to me. i would love to see-- would you like to see what kind of novel a true war hero would crank out, guys? >> yeah >> chris: of course you would. >> i would >> chris: well, we're all in for a treat. i will turn to a random page here. his muscles were young and hard but his face what was devastated with wrinkles. a naked boy ran happily toward him. the man grabbed his son in his arm, turned him upside down and put the boy's [bleep] in his [bleep] what the [bleep] what are you doing? why! that is actually in the book. webb said that is something he actually saw while working as a reporter in thailand but he's got to be the first candidate to
publish his writings on boy's penis, besides rick san tor up's live journal, i mean. so comedians, knowing what we now know about jim still working out some issues webb, and since he's got some free time now, please give me the cynic op sis of his next book, ron funchs. >> you know the nature boy is an avid reader. and his next book is about a vietnam vet who gets dropped behind enemy lines and has to [bleep] his way out. it's called behind enemy behinds. >> chris: all right, points. mr. agree. >> it's about a man who fellates his way out of the presidential running. >> chris: how is that-- how would that get you out of the-- all right, points for steve agee. brian posehn. >> well, chris, it's about a puppy who thinks a balloon is
his mom. and also the puppy loves boy dick >> chris: points to that. >> audience,-- >> chris: that is the end of panderdome. it's now time for tonight's hashtag wars. (cheers and applause) i look forward to halloween because it is the one toom people don't look at me weird when i drive around blasting the monster mash. it's good other times of the year, you guys. to celebrate the music of this haunted holiday tonight's hashtag is spooky bands. examples might be ll ghoul j or the red hot creepy crawlers and you-toooooo. thank you. i am going to put 60 seconds on the clock starting now. >> fiona razor blade apple. >> ron funchs.
>> n-wa that is neck romanses with attitude >> chris: brian posehn. >> pan ter fieg. >> huey lewis and the news about that serial-- sesh yal killer in your neighborhood. >> brian hoseen. >> pet cemetery boys. >> points. >> chris: ron funchs. >> wear wolves versus vampire weekend >> chris: points. >> die ant wert, i said die >> chris: ron. >> the bu tang clan >> chris: steve. >> melton john. >> points >> chris: brian. >> ed sheer-- dead sheer han, seriously, kill ed sheer hand >> chris: points. >> b-b-b king. >> chris: that brings us to the end of the hashtag war, sen us your hashtag spooky bans and tag them to keep the game going.
ah, don't forget the keys. funny. [cat growl] snap into a slim jim! >> chris: welcome back to to@midnight. it's time to play sweet emoji halloween edition. oh, i'm having a seizure like i'm watching a japanesev cartoo! emoji just for laying your bae know you want to peach her banana. they can be used to weave tails of her rohr more bone chilling.
i will show you spooky emoji, for 250 points translate it into a scary story. >> all right. first one. spin st. chilling, steve agee. >> you guys, i just horde about this new hot gray corn. it's real, you guys >> chris: no, stop, no points. >> but it's gray, chris >> chris: gray equals zero. >> oooh. >> fire bad. >> chris: ah, man. all right. i got to give you points for fire bad. ron funchs. >> chris, this is the terrifying tale of the time i went to area 51 with corn and we had a karaoke contest and we burned that place to the ground. >> chris: all right, points.
points ron funchs. next up, next up. ron funchs. >> whooo! this is a terrifying tale about the time my penis went from a shrimp to an eggplant when i was watching the spiderman movie. (applause) >> i had a lot of explaining to myself to do >> chris: i'm just curious, which series, which film. >> it was the latest, so it was really, i don't know-- >> chris: all right, points. steve agee. >> you guys, i [bleep] a short blind person and i used a spider web as a con dom. >> chris: not a bad idea. not a bad idea. brian posehn. >> the porn reboot of spiderman
has a lot of weird shaped du cks >> chris: points. ing that's nobodygoblin-- nobgoblin. all right. next one. >> that's a good one >> chris: thank you. oh. oh my god, five kids, that's [bleep] terrifying. steve. >> you guys, you guys, i just saw five bodyless babies. gray corn >> chris: all right. >> they had no body, chris >> chris: all right, points, dad. brian. >> i'm going to get so rich selling these babies on the dark
web. >> chris: points. ron funchs. >> oh, this is a terrifying tale of a weekend in 88ee where i fathered five children in four days >> chris: all right, points. mr. ron flair, last one, last one. all right there we go, ron funches. >> oh, you're a dead man, you are going to wish your lady was struck by lightning take the snake when i put you in my sleep >> chris: oh, >> chris: points to ron funches. steve. >> you guys, this is true. my girlfriend was killed by an electric eel while i was sleeping. i told her that bright pink bikini would make her an easy target but she didn't listen.
and she had cramps from eating gray corn. chris >> chris: yeah. >> are you done, it's almost next halloween >> chris: i like how you are using frankenstein monster signature catch phrase, "you guys" over an over again. >> chris: poipts to steve agee. that brings us to the end of sweet emoji halloween edition. it is time for our live challenge rat midnight. rat midnight. now if you thought pizza rat was getting too much exposure you're in luck because there are millions of other rats in fact, new york city's complaint hotline is nearing an all-time record with over 24,000 rat related calls. or as this one headline puts t i've seen rats walking upright saying good morning. i just like to imagine that was regis philbin. one official went so far to say
the city is experiencing a rat crisis. so comedians, as a corny catskills comic or just steve, what is the deal with villagers? why do they all have pitch forks? >> i want you to tell us how bad the crisis really is. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with break and be right back with more rat midnight halo-ween. vuse digital vapor cigarettes. 4 new flavors to awaken your senses.
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nietd. before i break i told you to tell us howed ba the rat crisis was like like a classic new yorker. >> the rat crisis so bad the hookers in time square started putting snap traps in their pu ssies. >> chris: oh, god. am i right? >> are you done mugging yet, frankenstein. >> it is franken-seinfeld >> chris: oh, no, that would be an amazing costume! ron funches. >> whooo! the rat problem in new york is so bad i tried to go to chuck e cheese last week and that [bleep] had it closed for a family reunion. >> chris: all right. brian2awj]ñ.
>> all these rat there is so much but bonnic plague on the sbway it makes me want to go back to the time when trains were just filled with-- >> chris: all right. i will do a thousand to ron, 500 to steve and brian each as we go to our next game, fat cat. the problem about playing a game like halofive is you get to compete against real people. (cheers and applause) >> chris: that was me doing all that [bleep].
unfortunately sometimes your opponent tries to throw your game off by giving bad advice or questioning your mother a moral character. strap on your haloheadsets and say some things you wouldn't want to hear while playing halofive guardians online. i will put 670 seksd. begin. funches. >> whooo! while we're done playing i wanted to let you know this is hillary clinton and i wanted to know who you were going to vote for >> chris: points. steve. >> i farted so bad your ears will smell it in three, two-- >> chris: brian posehn. >> it's me the guy that just bite. i was born in 2003 >> chris: points. brian posehn again. >> sir, this is the police. they ass-kicking is coming from inside the house >> chris: points. >> it's your father, your mother and i are getting a divorce, also no spawn camping >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of fat
chance am i see brian posehn, you are in third place and we must send you back to the frozen tund ra from which you came. >> let's melt that [bleep] with the red light. oh god, oh no, oh no, oh no. that means it's time to fake it till you break it. it's for the win. amazon is seug a thousand people for writing fake reviews for products they haven't try in exchange for money. that explain ys the food processer i ordered is not, in fact, a delight. product is very grate, yes-- great, yes. previously delonghi employees were found to have written reviews for their own proad like this expensive espresso maker right here. i guess thousand dollar diarrhea machines are not flying off the shelves. please give me a line from your fake review of this product. we'll have the answers and name we'll have the answers and name a winner when we come back on
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. i'm going to read your answer as loud. you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i asked you to give me the line of your fake review of this espresso machine that you've never tried and probably could not afford. let's see what you came up with first one. who was number one?
frankenstein's monster has won the internet, oh no, the lights. oh, yeah. well, that's it thanks to our sponsor for tonight's hoe, halofiefer guard yens comes out tuesday october 27th exclusionively on xbox one. we'll see you next time assuming the world isn't destroyed by thatas road. keep the game going on twitter with your hashtag spookybands and become our next tweet of the day. good night, everyone! from barack and michelle obama.
good evening, my fellow americans. i am barack obama, and this is my wife michelle. ( cheering ) this coming wednesday, our campaign will run a special 30-minute address on all four major networks. this airtime was initially purchased so that we could speak to you one last time about the issues. however, with poll numbers putting us so far ahead, we decided now's the time to play it safe. instead of a conventional address, we're going to carefully manage our lead and, well, shake things up... with the barack obama variety half-hour, it's time to have some fun! because we got a lead in the polls, and we built it up. we built it up. we built it up. ♪ and now it's solid ♪ solid as barack ♪ that's what this lead is ♪ that's what we got-got-got-got-got ♪